Look.  Here’s the bottom line.  Whatever preconceived notions you have about being a parent — just understand that all of those paradigms will change, once you actually have the charge of raising a healthy, happy, respectful, productive little  human being.  All manner of judgment you may have ever brought up against other parents will, quite possibly, be completely dismantled once you, yourself, decide to take the parenting plunge.  Just to give you a heads-up, I’ve started making a list of some of the most remarkable things I’ve experienced in parenting, that they don’t necessarily tell you in the parenting books.

1.  The amount of love you feel for your child, the moment you first meet, face to face, surpasses anything you ever imagined, or anything you could possibly describe.  This goes for each subsequent family addition.

There’s probably a reason this one doesn’t make the books.  Because it really is difficult to put into words.  Anytime I have a friend approaching delivery day, I try to describe this one to her.  But, the fact is, it is impossible to explain it.  Here’s the bottom line.  You’ve been wandering around in life, thinking you knew what love was.  Even when you saw the baby on ultrasound, you thought, “Oh, now THIS is love.”  And, it is.  But, it (and I’m not exaggerating) 100% pales by comparison to the love that erupts from your heart the moment you lay eyes on your new baby, outside of the womb!  (I’ve seen parents united with their adopted babies, as well, and the swelling of love is the same!)  Some people think they know this love because they are sincerely whole-hearted pet-lovers, but I’m telling you, it. is. not. the. same.  (No offense)  It’s not even the same type or degree of love that you feel for your spouse — your one and only.  So, if you are expecting, expect this!  A love that surpasses anything you ever, in your wildest imagination, believed you could contain!

And, it’s a good thing!  Because parenting requires a love that surpasses all else!!  Such as the following:

2.  Babies fart.  A LOT

The fact that I just used the word “fart” on a public blog site is evidence enough of the transformation that parenting brings.  Seriously.  The gas!  It. Is. Plentiful!  You will wonder how on earth your baby could produce so much air!  Sometimes, they let out man-sized toots in the most inappropriate settings, and people will look offensively in your direction, hardly believing that such a sound could erupt from the backside of such a tiny darling thing.  Oh, but it does!  And, it’s just as funny as when teenagers (or, in my house – grown-ups) fart.

We avoided the word “fart” in our house as long as we could, preferring the less offensive term “toot,” but the kids eventually heard it, and it took over their vocabulary.  Which brings me to my next point.

3.   The Affinity for Fart Jokes Knows No Gender

There will come a time when you cannot carry on a conversation without one (or all) of the kids (and possibly Dad) making fart, poop, butt, or [any other inappropriate topic] references. Especially at the dinner table.  Seriously!  It is disturbing.  And, my daughter competes with the best of the boys.  For awhile, we battled against her jumping up on our laps, and intentionally squeezing out a toot, only to erupt in hysterical laughter.  So INAPPROPRIATE!!!  But, it happens! I’m just giving you a heads-up!  And, for some reason, the dinner table is the biggest place of offense.  It’s like they scheme – let’s find the place where it will be found most unacceptable, and start cracking the jokes.  (Oooh, did you hear that?  I said “crack.”  Bahahahahaha!)  Okay, I digress.

But, let’s talk about butt.  The word butt.  It is the one word I don’t want my kids using, in reference to the hind end.  Well, make that one of TWO words I don’t want them using, but thankfully they haven’t been overly exposed to the other one, yet.  I’ve given them a list of appropriate terms, to include, “booty, bum, bo-bo, bottom, rear-end, hind-end, hiney,” or even “tookush.”  All of which seem kinda fun to say.  But, what do they migrate toward, every single time?  Butt.  “Look at my butt!  Did you see his butt?  I just farted out of my butt!  You’re a poo-poo butt.”

Me: “I went to the store but I forgot to buy bread.”
Kids: “Ahmmmmmm!  You said bu-ut!!!”

Get ready, folks.  It’s real.

Speaking of butts:

4.   If you think dealing with a poopy diaper is gross, just wait til you have to deal with poopy underwear.  It’s a whole new ballgame.

Okay, so potty training is not for the faint of heart.  Especially when it comes to poop.  I was a little squeamish when learning to change varying yuck degrees of poopy diaper — from the beginning tar stage, to the, “Oh my gosh, what color IS that?” stage, to the “How did it shoot that far?” stage, to the “Holy cow, I totally forgot to bring a change of clothes!  How could I possibly forget to bring a change of clothes??!” stage, to the, “Hi, Dr. Pedi, how can I make my kid go poop?” stage, to the “Oh, cute!  You tooted!  Oh, wait!  That wasn’t a toot!” stage, to the ever dreaded, “Oh no, my kid’s on antibiotics!” stage, and finally, to the, “[pinching nose] Oh!  I liked it better when it didn’t stink!” stage.

But, nothing beats the disgust that is the poopy underwear stage.  That’s right.  When it’s time to potty train, you can bet you are going to have, at the very least, a couple of encounters with poop in the undies.  It is utterly disgusting to deal with, and will make you question whether or not you’d just be okay letting your kid wear a diaper forever.  I don’t care what they tell you about it being “easier since it’s your own kid’s” body excrements.  It’s gross.  That’s really all I can say to prepare you.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  Poop in undies = gag-worthy.  That is all.

And, I hope you have a strong resistance to the gag-reflex, because:

5.   If you have a weak gag-reflex, there will be lots of vomit in your future.  LOTS.

Let’s just face it.  Kids are gross.  They don’t mean to be.  It’s not really their fault (most of the time).  But, between the snot that runs down to their upper lip and sometimes stretches down to their chin after a good sneeze, to the blow-out poop accidents, to the boogers smeared on the walls because they didn’t think to ask you for a tissue in the middle of the night, to the vomitting that generally tends to come while the kid is perched securely on your shoulders, or in some other completely inconvenient position – learning to live with kids requires a heightened ability to tame your gag-reflex.

Awhile back, I noticed that my son’s room smelled an awful lot like urine.  Since he has primary nocturnal enuresis (in other words, he produces more urine in his sleep and doesn’t wake up to go potty), we assumed the smell (which would wax and wane from day to day) was caused from soiled sheets or a wet pull-up.  We stripped the entire room, and I thought I would lose my mind, trying to locate the source of the mysterious odor.  Finally, one day, on my hands and kness, searching for a stow-away wet pull-up, my son, truly grieved in his spirit, confessed that he had been using a corner of his carpeted floor as a urinal — because it was easier than stopping his monster-truck play time to walk 5 yards to the actual bathroom.

This is the kind of unexpected gag-inducing stuff you can absolutely expect in parenthood.  The stuff you never even fathomed you would need to teach your kids about: like, “Son, carpet absorbs pee-pee, so pee-peeing on your carpet will ruin your room.”  Who knew we’d need to have that lesson!  But, have it, we did!  Too little too late.  One carpeted room later.

And, while we’re on the topic of carpet:

6. Whoever said there was no use in crying over spilled milk?

This is what I know —

That expression is not directed toward kids.  It is directed toward Mommies.  Mommies who are desperately trying to transition their three year old daughters from sippy cups to big girl cups.  Three year old daughters who have a very specialized knack for tipping over their big girl cups on the carpeted living room floor, like, 100% of the time.  100 PERCENT!

Let me just tell you, there HAVE BEEN TEARS!
TEARS. SHED. OVER. SPILLED. MILK!

It has happened.

Don’t ever let that expression fool you.

7.  Your kids will take a liking to the television shows that annoy you the very most.

And, you will let them watch them.

Because sometimes, you are simply desperate for time to clean the house or just have a moment that is free of sibling-bickering or hearing “Mommy Mommy Mommy” every 2.7 seconds.  (And, P.S.  It’s okay that you will sometimes get tired of hearing “Mommy Mommy Mommy” every 2.7 seconds.)

8.  Adam and Eve felt ashamed of their nakedness, but little kids do not.

Get ready for streaking, folks.  Naked booties, everywhere!  Even (and especially) in the front yard, or when there is company visiting.

My neighbor said it best:
“Having a kid is like living with a drunk sorority girl.  The other night I came in the living room, to find my son laying on the bar, buck naked.  When I told him it was time to go brush his teeth, he started flopping around, arms in the air, [with whiny slurred speech] ‘I don’t WANNA go brush my teeeeeeth!!’”

And, they’re not ashamed of your nakedness either.  Consequently, there are no privacy (or modesty) boundaries in the home, until you firmly establish them.  Better to start sooner than later!  (Take it from me!) Lest you have to revert to my tactics of locking yourself securely in the bathroom, so that no more children walk in the room, hysterically giggling, “I see Mommy’s booty butttttttttt!!!!”

9.  If You REALLY want to know the truth, ask your kids

I’m not saying that kids don’t lie. Because, trust me, they do.  We have been dealing with that a lot lately.  What I’m talking about is this — if you want to know if that dress makes you look fat — ask the kid!  (I’m not really advocating that you take that particular question to your child, because then we’re getting into all manner of self-esteem debates….but you get my point.) Kids speak truth, by nature, because they haven’t yet developed the filter of “fear” of what others might think.  Here’s a perfect example:

Jonah: [pressing on my belly] “Mommy, your tummy feels like cello.”
Me:  [speechless]
Hubby:  [fear in his eyes] “Maybe he really MEANT ‘cello’?”

Or there was the one time when Jonah told me, “But, Mommy, all I want to do is lay around and watch tv allllllll day lonnnnng, like Daddy!”  I totally wanted to judge his Daddy, after that remark, until I remembered he could have just as easily waged the argument, “But, Daddy, all I want to do is stay in my jammies alllllll day long, like Mommy!”

My point is:  Be prepared because your kids will voice their “Captain Obvious” observations, loudly and at the most inopportune times.  And, often they will be observations about you!  If you aren’t already self-aware, you will be.

Speaking of which…

10.  You will suddenly become acutely aware of the things you say in front of your kids, especially when you get the report of what they have said.

And, you can just bet it is gonna come out in Sunday School.

We actually shielded our kids from foul language for quite awhile.  But, then, out of nowhere, it started happening.  The foul mouth.  The other day, Jonah’s childcare giver at the gym hunted me down to let me know Jonah had told a little kid, “Can you keep your brother away from me?  He’s really starting to piss me off!”  Just like that.  In perfect context.  Just rolled right off the tongue.  Of course, we couldn’t get mad at him because he, legitimately, had no idea that he had said anything wrong.  I suddenly began churning through the recesses of my mind, asking myself, “Oh my gosh!  Have I said this in front of him?  Have I said this  to him??  Oh no!!  It’s out!  I’m a terrible Mom!  They know my secrets!!”

Much to my relief, the teacher told me that when she told him the part that was “bad,” he said, “Oh! Well, my Daddy says that.”

*Whew* Crisis averted.  Super-mom reputation retained another day!

But seriously, just know that you will begin to hear words and tones come out of your kids’ mouths that will cause you to become much more self-aware of what you’re saying and how you’re saying it.  Learn from it!

11.  Kids think they’re hungry ALL the time

We used to be so structured about dining times:
Breakfast
Mid-morning snack
Lunch
Mid-afternoon snack
Dinner

Now, my kids think if they are awake and breathing, they should be eating.  Without exaggeration, we can finish lunch, and within 3 minutes, one of the kids will whine, “I’m hungry.”  And, they’re persistent little boogers!

I’m serious about this one.  There is a reason that obesity is running rampant, and I don’t think it just has to do with lack of physical activity.  I think it also has to do with the fact that kids think they’re hungry all the time, and unless you, as the wise adult, learn to say, “No, you are not hungry, you are bored [or insert other emotion here],” your children will eat.  And eat.  And eat.

Emotional eating starts young, my friends!  Any time my kids are bored, they immediately say, “I’m hungry.”  And, any time my daughter gets reprimanded (she’s my super sensitive one), she wails, “I’m hunnnnnnnnnn[gasp]gryyyyyyyyy!”

Just be prepared.  Kids eat.  A LOT.  You’ll have to be the one to determine whether they really need food, or something else to fill their “hunger.”

12.  If you don’t want your kids addicted to electronics, don’t introduce them to electronics

It probably sounds like I’m judging, but I’m not.  I’m just telling it how it is.  I tried, for as long as I could, to shield my kids from electronics.  I wouldn’t let them play on my phone, even though I saw all of my friends freely handing over their devices.  It wasn’t because I was afraid of my kids getting addicted.  It was more of a control issue.  I was afraid they were going to make a purchase, break my device, or inadvertently place a call.

But, when my kids were at ages three and five, I caved.  I got an iPad for Christmas, and downloaded a few apps for the kids.  Oh. My. Goodness.  It has only been a matter of months, and I have to practically pry my daughter off of the iPad and plead with her that her Barbies need attention.  She would prefer to sit on that blasted thing all day long, as to going and using her imagination.  And, my son is just as bad, when it comes to playing video games.  We don’t actually own a player, but his best friend across the street owns one, and Jonah wants to go over there to play all the time because it his only outlet for video games.  It’s crazy.

Just know that electronics have some kind of strangely unexplained magnetic pull!  Your kids will get sucked in, if you let them.

13. Sometimes, kids ask questions just for the sake of hearing themselves talk

This has been particularly true with my son.  I was so concerned about it that I actually posted a query on Facebook, asking my other friends if it was normal for my son to ask the exact same question umpteen million times per day, even though he already knows the answer to the questions he asks.  The overwhelming response was, “Yes!  It’s normal!”  The fact is, he is just trying to make conversation the best way he knows how.  It’s an attention thing.  I’ve learned to say, “Have you asked me that question already?”  Or, I pose a question back to him, “What do you think is the answer to that question?”  Unless he asks “Why?” after I’ve told him to do something.  In that case, I just pretend like he didn’t say anything at all.  In my opinion, by answering those pesky “why” questions in response to instruction, I am just fueling an argumentative fire, rather than setting an expectation of obedience and respect.  So, I ignore them, completely.  It’s just the way I roll.  You’ll have to decide what works best for you and your inquisitive little love.  But, there will be questions.  Lots of them.

14.  You will lose your temper with your kids, at some point.

Look, I’m not condoning it.  I’m just letting you off the hook a little, by telling you that it happens.  And when it does, you will, in all likelihood, feel absolutely terrible about it.  There will come a time when you’re darling little will push you beyond your limits, and you will have to just walk away, and possibly even call in reinforcements.  The important thing is what you do with that moment.  You have to realize when your personal resources have been depleted, and you need help.  Sometimes that means physically calling someone to come over to your house to help you, or sometimes it means calling on the Holy Spirit, who has promised to be our strength in weakness.  I find this approach to be brilliantly effective every single time!  Seriously, give it a try.  He definitely comes to our rescue, especially when we scream out to Him that we are weak!  

If you do lose your cool, and behave in an irresponsible manner, in word or action, it is vitally important that you handle it by, first and foremost, apologizing to your child, and admitting that the behavior was wrong.  I, personally, use those moments as teaching/modeling moments, to help my child see that I recognize that I am not always right (humility), and that it is important to confess my sin, ask for forgiveness, and ask the Holy Spirit for help.

15.  God will use your kids to weed out the muck of your life that should not remain and make you more like Him.

To be honest, parenting is hard.  I mean hard.  Like really hard.  So, hard, in fact, that there may even come a day when you have to use self-talk to remind yourself that you wanted to be a parent.

I know.

That one sounds a little bit harsh, and many people wouldn’t admit to those feelings.  Meanwhile, those who have needed that “self-talk reminder” wallow in guilt, crying behind a locked bathroom door with a glass of wine, kicking themselves for ever succumbing to such a weak moment of thought.   And, some people may not ever feel that way, but I’ve heard plenty of people who do relate to that statement, so it’s worth mentioning, while we’re on the topic of the things they don’t tell you in the parenting books.  One of my best friends candidly jokes, “Now, I kinda understand why some animals eat their young.”

But, here’s the deal.  God has a plan and a purpose for your life, and it is to prosper you (and your kids!), and not to harm you (or your kids!).  He calls us to a life of perseverance, and it is through perseverance that we develop lasting character!  Character that resembles Christ.  Nothing has shown me how deeply I need a Savior, and revealed to me that places in my heart that need refining, more than marriage and motherhood.

And, for that reason, if no other (but there are really lots of others!), I find that the challenges of motherhood are absolutely and 100% worth every single challenge, every single point of perseverance, every single trial, and every single moment of weakness.  It is in those moments that my character is developed. It is in those moments that God grows me into the woman He has called me to be!  It is in those moments that I learn my absolute dependence on Him.  I wouldn’t take for one single amazing mommy moment that I’ve had, not even the ones that took me by complete and utter surprise!!

The lesson here is that it is ALLLLLLLL worth it!!!  

And, now, you’re jusssssst a little better prepared than I was!