It was about this time two years ago when I began to feel the nudge to stay at home with my children, at least until Jonah started kindergarten.  And, now, like the blink-of-an-eye, that time has come.  This is an interesting time of transition for us.  Jeremy starts his new position as Detective on the police force on Monday, the same day that Jonah goes to his first day of kindergarten.

And, meanwhile, here I sit, wondering what really comes next.

If I’m not careful, I find myself trying to work out every single detail of every single potential scenario that could possibly present itself.  I wonder, “Will Jonah be accepted in school?  Will he earn a good or “problem child” reputation?  Will they recognize that he’s gifted and mold his education accordingly?  Will his teacher love him or dread him?  Will his peers embrace him or make fun of him?  Will he learn volume control? Will he be able to go seven hours a day with no NASCARs or Monster Trucks?  Should I put Lexi in MDO 2 or 4 days/week?  How will she function without her brother at home?  Should I substitute teach or look for a job?  Will Jeremy like his new job?”  The list of wonders and worries goes on and on.

And then I look at our finances, and I’m suddenly acutely aware of the fact that our expenses are far exceeding our income right now.  And, I think, “I’ve got to fix this.  I need to go back to work full-time.  That’s all there is to it.”  Even though, I haven’t gotten the go-ahead from the Lord for that.

The only thing that I do know is I’m supposed to be writing.  Every time I spend time alone with the Lord, pressing into His will for me, I hear, “Stop trying to make things happen and just trust me.”

But, then I look at my bank account.

And my wheels start turning again.

I knew that when I began staying home with my kids, there was a lot the Lord wanted to accomplish in my heart.  I felt like the primary season of growth in the “trust factor” was for that time: the time when I decided to sacrifice nearly 50% of our household income to stay home with the kids.  But, now that I’m here, I realize the decision to stay home was so God could bring me to this time: the time when the savings account is dwindling and the ends aren’t necessarily meeting, and yet He’s called me to something that doesn’t involve bringing in an income right now.  It is in this time, when I’m called to do something, yet cannot see how the provision will come through, that I am able to see where I truly put my hope.

This past week, I felt like the Lord told me to fast solid food for three days.  He told me to put to death every single one of my expectations, and after three days, He would resurrect a new clarity for me.  Interestingly, during the course of the three days, I got two separate job offers that I hadn’t applied for.  But, I knew the answer to both offers was a resounding NO.

The one expectation I failed to lay down was my expectation of what type of “clarity” the Lord was going to bring me.  See, I fully expected that God would clearly speak with all-but an audible voice, and say, “GO TO WORK!  [or DON’T GO TO WORK]! DO THIS!  [or DON’T DO THIS]!  THUS SAITH THE LORD!”

But that’s not the clarity I received.  Instead, I got clarity on the condition of my heart.  On day three, as I went to spend my time in that quiet place, desperately seeking His direction, this is what I heard, “You are worshiping the god of financial security.”  Or, more clearly, “You are worshiping the god called Financial Security.”  I then got a picture in my mind of being homeless and destitute on the streets, and He asked, “Would you be willing to sacrifice all of your comforts of living, knowing that you are following what I’ve called you to do?  Do you know that even in that place, I AM?”

I think the reason I wasn’t hearing God clearly wasn’t because He wasn’t speaking clearly.  It was because every time He did speak, reminding me Who He IS and what He’s called me to do, I looked at my surroundings and said, “But, that can’t be right.  I’ve got to fix this until it aligns with what I have in mind, and I’m comfortable with.“

It’s easy to trust God when everything’s going right — everyone’s healthy,  the finances are easily in-check.  Because then there’s really no need for trust.  It’s when those things start getting stripped away that you realize where you’re truly putting your trust.

I’m thankful God has brought me to this place:  to the place where he’s clearly given me an assignment that flies in the face of what I feel like I can accomplish; to a place where He can draw to the surface the deepest condition of my heart, and filter away those other gods, so that my affections, hope, trust, and worship are truly fixed on Him, and Him ALONE.