My husband isn’t home right now. And I’m not sure when he will be.  The truth is, I don’t know for absolute certain IF he will be.

Because, that’s the life of a police wife.

Of course, I don’t live in that place of wonder and worry.  I’d go bonkers if I stayed there.

But, today is different.  My husband is out investigating a crime wherein one of his brothers in blue was murdered.  The harsh reality is that if/when they figure out who did it, that person could very well say “I’m not going down without a fight.  What have I got to lose?”  – which ups the danger scenario even more.

So I wait.  I might call in a little while — even if only to hear him send my call directly to voicemail.  Because, as a police wife, the ignored call is a good sign – a sign that he’s on the other end, and well enough to hit ignore.

But mostly, I just wait.  And try not to let him hear my giant sigh of relief when he finally does walk in the door.  The last thing he needs to worry about is me worrying about him.

This is the life of a police wife.

I made dinner tonight, but my husband didn’t make it home. Because sometimes the family simply has to come in second.  It’s part of the job he signed on for.  And it’s part of the job I signed on for.

When my husband does come home, we don’t really get to talk about the deep matters of his heart.  Because aside from his police shield, he has an even bigger shield around his heart that walls off his emotions.  Because he’d go bonkers if he ever dared to feel it all.

So, we mostly just watch t.v.  And mostly that’s okay with me.

I put the kids to bed tonight and they asked “Is Daddy doing overtime?”  We haven’t told them what has happened because they’re too young to understand.  All they know is that Daddy is out trying to catch some bad guys.  So we just prayed, “Please help Daddy and his friends find out who the bad guys are and catch them FAST.”

My secret hope is that the prayer of a child will move God’s heart, maybe more than my own prayers.  Even though I know that’s kinda silly.

And then I turn on some worship music.  And our home security system, for added measure.

The night we found out the news (before it had been released to the public), I was physically ill.  I truly thought I’d throw up.  My mind started spinning, thinking of all of the potential scenarios that might have taken place.  Of COURSE the very first (absurd, but not completely unheard of these days) scenario that popped in my mind was that there was a cop-killer on the loose, targeting police in their homes, and what if we were next.  (I didn’t hang out there for too long).  I went to bed, reeling with scenarios.  Broken hearted, wondering what that poor man went through in the final moments of his life.  Trying not to be sick.  Trying my best to take every thought captive – but with no luck, if I’m being honest.

And, then wondering if Jeremy locked the doors before coming to bed.  (So, maybe I did hang out in that initial absurd place for awhile, at least on a subconscious level…)

Yesterday, I woke up and began weeping within seconds of my eyes popping open.  I don’t really remember when was the last time I cried that hard and with a total inability to control it.  I wondered how I would be able to work with high schoolers all day if I couldn’t stop crying.  But, I finally did.

I knew I had a call to fast and pray for the day.  And many other wives joined me.  Because that’s what you do when you are a Jesus follower and you’re married to a cop.

You pray.  Because your battle really isn’t of flesh and blood, and as long as you attack it with your weapons of the flesh, your warfare is futile.  You have to put on the full armor of God and enter into warfare on behalf of your beloved.

You pray.
You pray for safety.
You pray for protection.
You pray for wisdom and discernment.
You pray for stamina and strength.
You pray for breakthrough.
You pray for justice to prevail.
You pray for peace and comfort.
You pray that truth and righteous reporting would rise up in the media.
And you keep praying it.

You pray that your husband will still be able to follow his training and instinct to protect himself, even though the risk is high that he could become a target and cast as a criminal in a world where society is waiting to pounce on their next police officer.
You pray against a spirit of bitterness.
For your spouse and for yourself.
You pray that your husband will be light in darkness and would not let the darkness overtake him.
You wage outright war against a spirit of fear, because it continuously lurks, waiting for you to give it permission to stay.

You pray.
And you pray.
And you pray.

Because THIS, my friends, is the LIFE of the Police Wife.